i wonder what i'm getting myself into. do i really know? do i bother to find out?

once bitten, twice shy.

and then everyone puts on their fake smiles of sympathy and tell me that everything will turn out okay, that i'm perhaps making a mountain out of a molehill. tomorrow will be so much better. it's okay, everything will find a way to make it right again. the sun will shine again. you'll get what you deserve. perserver on and you'll get there one day.

ha. i have a lot of one days in my future. i beg to differ. i'm just too tired of it all. of life in general. yes, i know i've repeated that countless of times here. but what can i do? it's not like i have any control over situations turning out the way they do. emotions and feelings that are constantly repressed want to burst out of me right now. but i don't let it. it's unfair that people don't appeciate what i offer until i stop offering. but you know what? the thing is that no matter how hurt i feel, how under-appeciated i feel, i wouldn't tell anyone "no, i cant do it, i cant help you." because underneath it all, i know i'll feel too guilty for words. i have a helping people tendency. it makes me feel happy knowing that i helped someone and that person's day is slightly better because of it. but guess what? i'm compromising what i owe myself.

i wish i can go up to people and tell them, "look, say the words thank you. acknowledge what i've done." i know it seems rather egoistic and all, but it's getting worse knowing that what i've done to help with the situation has gone unnoticed. and i'm sick of people taking me for granted. and i'm constantly drawn back to square one. would it hurt so much just to say thank you and mean it?

hope.

such a simple thing really.

faith.

such a pretty sentiment.

yet all this takes courage. courage is needed for hope to endure and faith to continue believing. i DON'T want to believe anymore. because the more i believe, the more it hurts. and when i'm alone, contemplating stuff, it gets worse. the mind is a dangerous thing when it starts to wander or to get bored. because a person is given the opportunity to reflect, to think back on the day. and to realise that even though the hope is there, every day it rapidly diminishes and at the end of it all, it's not worth all the time and effort. the sad thing is that this only hits you when you're feeling tired and sick of the trials life brings.